A Life Update, Imposter Syndrome, and Leaving Activism

As I’ve begun to write more, I figured it was time to give you a little update about where I am and what I’m up to right now, particularly in regards to my writing and my offerings.

Writing

Last summer during my time in the UK I was writing and sharing about my experiences on Instagram and Facebook, particularly with regard to the land, the history, my own ancestral connection, and the spiritual streams weaving them all together. During that time I received the seed idea for a book— kind of a geo-spiritual history of Britain— and was asked the question, am I willing to commit myself to doing the work it will take to write it?

That’s not a casual question for me. My whole life I have known I have had a gift for writing, have been told that by others, and yet writing is one of the most difficult things for me to do. I have a million things in my head that I want to say, and yet, when I sit down to say them, I freeze and my mind goes blank. I won’t go into all the whys here, because I don’t think they’re particularly interesting (and yes, I’ve read The Artist’s Way), but I will say that since December I have been working through these blocks around expressing myself in earnest. It started with getting some specialized chiropractic work on my neck and taking voice lessons, both of which I started without realizing how they were connected to my writing (hello, throat chakra!).

For the last several weeks I have been pushing myself to write committedly every day, or as many days a week as I can. I don’t mean just the free journalling sort, a la the morning pages from The Artist’s Way or Writing Down the Bones; I mean actually forcing myself to type out coherent narratives, whether or not anyone else will ever read them. This has all been a slow process, but I now feel the wind beginning to apply itself to my sails, and I’m beginning to put out more actual content, as you have hopefully noticed.

My original plan was to work here in the US (I’ve been living with a friend in Sacramento, CA) for 6 months or so and return to the UK to work on the book no later than June. As always happens, life and Spirit have their own ideas, and I’ve had to put that plan on hold while I do this deeper work of clearing my writing blocks and finding my voice. I very much feel a strong pull back to the UK and the book, but at this point I’ve had to put that aside and I’m taking things step by step. The theme of this newsletter is learning to navigate in uncertain, liminal times, so it’s no surprise I’m having to do that myself on a very personal level. I hope to return to Britain soon, but I don’t yet know when that will be. In the meantime, I hope to be very busy here.

Me atop Mt. Snowdon/Yr Wyddfa last summer

Readings and Coaching/Spiritual Direction

Last fall, I found myself completely unable to do any of the intuitive reading and guidance work I had been offering. I felt totally done with any kind of healing or “holding space” for anyone else. People would ask me for appointments, and I would schedule them only to find myself getting sick or coming up with other excuses to re-schedule. I finally had to admit I was exhausted with it all and I took down my website. I decided I was just going to worry about writing. 

In March I undertook a psychedelic mushroom journey to help gain insight into and hopefully clear my writing blocks. Long story short, I found myself suffering and feeling all the pain of the world when I heard Jesus say to me, “why do you think you have to do that? That’s my job. You have your own job to do, you don’t have to feel everybody’s pain.” Lol. That led to a lot of insights into how I manage my energy when working with other people, which affects my writing as well as my 1-on-1 work. This has been HUGE shift for me, and I am now offering sessions again. 

At this point I’m offering 1 hour Psychic Aura readings and 1 hour Coaching/Spiritual Direction sessions. I’m keeping it pretty low key as I want to spend the bulk of my time writing, so hit me up at raberndt@gmail.com if you’re interested.

Imposter Syndrome

One of the things that keeps me from writing is most definitely Imposter Syndrome. I’ll be honest, I have some pretty big ambitions when it comes to what I want to write and speak into the world! It is quite terrifying, and quite tempting to want to keep myself small and unseen. I was watching a discussion the other day between Dr. Zubin Damiana, a physician, and Dr. Rachel Zoffness, a psychologist, regarding Imposter Syndrome. I was struck by a few things they said:

1. These two doctors, both highly educated, qualified, and well-spoken individuals, both shared their struggles with feeling unqualified and unworthy to share their expertise. They talked about canceling speaking opportunities out of fear, vomiting before taking the stage, and all these other things I’ve experienced when trying to write or speak. Anyone with an ounce of self-awareness will experience Impostor Syndrome at some point.

2. It’s most likely show up when you’re in a positive state of growth, when you’re stretching to expand your capacities in a healthy way. The people who don’t feel like imposters are usually the ones who are overconfident and don’t know what they don’t know. The ones who do are the ones who have real wisdom or expertise to share along with the humility to know they will never have all the answers.

3. The first step in dealing with Imposter Syndrome is to acknowledge it and talk about it with other people. So here I am, talking bout it. I’m curious, who here struggles with this? I’d love to hear your comments below.

The whole segment on Imposter Syndrome is available on You Tube and definitely worth watching.

Disentangling myself from the activist left

I spent most of my twenties struggling with, leaving, and working through the aftereffects of the evangelical Christian fundamentalism I was raised in. Eventually I ended up in and spent a decade in lefty activist circles; a lot of you probably know me from these spaces. The last few years I’ve been slowly disentangling myself from that identity, and it’s interesting how the second journey parallels the first. 

There’s a lot of frustration with false binaries, limiting narratives, and demonization of the other. I’m having to deconstruct and examine a lot of old beliefs and process my emotions around it all without falling into the trap of becoming reactionary or resentful. There’s grieving a community that once gave me a sense of belonging and purpose, even if I never quite felt that I fit in. There’s fear that if I’m honest in questioning the dogma and doctrine of social justice culture I will lose friends.

I realize a lot of this may sound vague; I will have to leave it that way for now because I am still processing it and unpacking it all and will be sharing more in depth about it at some point. I definitely have a lot of blocks to work through when it comes to writing about this.

I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the religious culture I grew up in, even if I ultimately had to leave. I credit it with giving me a deep love of community, purpose, and a commitment to a spiritual path. I remain a practicing Christian, even if it looks very different from the faith of my parents. In the same way, I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for activist culture, and remain broadly sympathetic to the ideals and aims of the Left. In the end, I am leaving it behind for the same reasons I left evangelicalism— I am seeking deeper wisdom, an ability to hold the tension of paradoxical truths, and a more holistic way of seeing.

Moving Forward

A lot of you have told me over the years that you really enjoy my writing or appreciate my perspective. If that’s the case for you, would you do me a favor? Drop me a comment or an email and tell me what you like, or what you want to hear more of. I will confess this is blatant trolling for affirmation and encouragement. It means so much to me when I hear from you, and it helps me to keep moving forward!