Dear Rebekah,
I recently came into a bit of an inheritance. Low six figures, from a relative I haven’t seen since I was young. It’s not exactly a fortune, but it’s more money than I’ve ever had at one time, and I’m trying to decide what to do with it. My parents want me to use it for a down payment on a house and invest the rest. A friend of mine is encouraging me to give as much as I can away— I have a good job with a stable income, and the potential for far more down the road. She thinks I should redistribute my good fortune and is constantly messaging me with links to various justice and equity groups.
While I think my friend has a point— I know I’m more fortunate than a lot of people— it’s not like I grew up rich or anything, and my family struggled to make ends meet when I was young. I worked hard to get where I am right now. I do feel some guilt that I have all this money, suddenly, that I didn’t do anything to earn, and I do care about the world, and want to give back. At the same time, part of me is thinking about the possibilities this money might offer me. I’m not very happy in my current career and I’ve always wanted to travel in Asia. Part of me really wants to take a year off and do that. Another part of me thinks I should go to grad school, although I don’t feel that excited about any of the possible programs available to me.
I feel overwhelmed by the options: give back to others, plan for the future, follow my heart. How do I decide what’s right for me?
Dear guilty-about-money,
First of all, I’m the last person anyone should be asking for financial advice. Just to make that clear. But you’re writing to a spiritual advice column, and not a financial one, so I assume what you need help with is clarifying the values and vision that will guide your decision-making. What’s more, you’re writing to an advice column titled “You Don’t Have to be Good,” so I’m also going to assume you want permission to follow your heart. I will, of course, grant you that, but if it was that easy there would be no column. So let’s work our way there.
The stickiest tension I’m feeling here is the one with your friend, so let’s start with that. As someone who was in the social justice scene for years, I know how it feels to feel that no matter how much you may have struggled, or currently struggle, there are always people worse off. And you know what? There are! It doesn’t matter how bad things might get for you, there will always be somebody who has it worse.
Your friend reminds me a bit of Judas. In the gospels, when an unnamed woman (whom tradition associates with Mary Magdalene) anoints Jesus with expensive perfume, Judas is outraged. “Look at all the poor suffering people,” he says. “That perfume could have been sold to feed them.”
Jesus says two things. One, he says that there will always be poor people, which is interesting. Yes, Jesus cares about the poor, but he seems to understand trying to make everything perfectly equal at all times is a bit of a fruitless struggle. The other thing he says is, “This woman has done a beautiful thing! She’s given me a gift. Why are you trying to ruin it?”
A few years ago, I was in a (temporary) job that paid me a ridiculous amount of money. I knew I wanted to give some of it away, in part out of gratitude. As I considered my options, I too felt overwhelmed. There were so many causes, so many messages tugging at my heartstrings and attempting to guilt me into donating. I finally decided to shut them out. I spent some time quieting my mind and meditating and finally asked myself, “What’s in my heart? What do I actually want to give to?”
I thought about the fact that we often give to others out of guilt, and resent it later. We learn to guilt others into giving us what we want and create resentment in our relationships. I thought about the social justice spaces I was a part of, and how much they ran on guilt and resentment. I imagined all that guilt and resentment getting passed around, filling up bank accounts, paying people’s salaries, and seeding itself into the world, multiplying and proliferating.
I decided that never ever ever again would I give my time or money or any part of myself out of guilt.
The purpose of guilt is to let you know when you’ve gone off course, when you’ve violated your deepest-held values, so you can adjust and come back to center. Assuming you didn’t hire a hitman to off your relative, you have nothing to feel guilty about here. You, like Jesus with the perfume, have been given a gift. The question is, what do you want to do with it?
In my case, I asked myself: How can I give my money freely and wholeheartedly? How do I multiply love and gratitude and joy in the world instead of resentment and guilt? Who is doing work that I want to invest in and contribute to? These questions helped me make a giving decision that I felt good about. In my case, I gave to a friend who was doing work I wanted to support. She didn’t have a nonprofit. I received no tax writeoff and there were no strings attached to my giving. I trusted that by giving with my blessing and my love, the money would do what it needed to do.
I gave away 10%, which is always a good place to start, though you may decide to give more or less, depending on your situation. I imagine that if I found myself with vast sums of money I would give away most of it! But It doesn’t sound like you’re in that situation, and I don’t think you need to feel bad about investing in your future or fulfilling a lifelong dream.
Next, as to what to do with the money you do keep? You don’t sound excited about going back to school, so I’d put that out of your mind. Grad school is great if you’re passionate and want to learn, otherwise, it’s basically a job that puts you into debt.
Next, there’s the issue of planning for your future. Not a bad idea! I recommend it, but I want to put that on the back burner for a bit, because there’s something else that sounds far more compelling — traveling in Asia.
I think this is really what you came here for. You want someone to tell you that it’s okay to spend money on something not because it is virtuous, not because it is prudent, but simply because it’s a dream you’ve been hanging onto for a long time.
I don’t know why you want to travel in Asia — a love for Thai food? Japanese culture? Buddhist and Taoist temples of China? Asia, obviously, covers a big territory and can mean a lot of things. But it’s obvious something there is calling to you. And I think the biggest risk you could take right now is to ignore it.
I don’t know how old you are. I’m assuming young-ish, maybe late 20’s. Either way, it sounds like you’ve done the “right” things: you went to school, got a good job, you’re on the right track, and now you’re wondering what it’s all for. You don’t sound particularly excited about your career.
Your parents want you to build stability, and they’re not wrong. But life is full of seasons and cycles. It sounds to me like you’ve been doing all the “right” things: going to school, building a career, etc, but there’s a part of you that lies neglected. The part that longs for adventure and discovery. That part of you is important too.
It sounds to me like you have enough to put some money away in investments while also taking at least six months to a year to travel wherever your heart desires (depending on the style to which you are accustomed). Do it. There’s a reason it’s calling to you. Periods of exploration and travel can provide us with new perspectives and new ideas, new friendships, and even help us discover gifts and capacities we never knew we had. You might find a new passion, a new career, or a new love along the way. Or you might come back ready to dive back into your old life with a new sense of gratitude and joy. Either way, I don’t think you’ll be sorry.
If you’d like me to answer your question in a future column, email me at raberndt@gmail.com with the subject line ADVICE
An Announcement
I’m piloting a group spiritual direction program for people struggling with or deprogramming from the activist left/ cult of social justice/ cancel culture whatever you want to call it.
If you find yourself censoring your heterodox thoughts in your social circles, or just questioning a lot of the dogma that gets transmitted in these spaces, this may be for you.
This will be a small group of not more than 10 people that meets on Zoom once a week for four weeks. It will include some brief meditation and sharing ourselves honestly and non-judgmentally.
Meeting times TBA based on participant availability.
Because this is a pilot program, the cost will be low- $25 total for 4 weeks.
My goal is to help people build connection and hopefully make some new friends, strengthen support for speaking your truth with grace and compassion, and facilitate creativity and new ways of thinking.
If you’re interested message or email me at raberndt@gmail.com with the following info:
1. Tell me a little about yourself and why you’re interested
2. Give me some times when you’re available for meetings.
On Money and Giving
fun fact, regarding the annointing of Jesus: "perfume" is probably a poor and misleading interpretation of the original text, even though it's prevalent in modern translations. the original word in Greek was μῠ́ρον, which comes from the Hebrew word for myrrh, and is probably better translated as "salve" or "ointment." if the ointment in question was actually myrrh, then it would have been a powerful analgesic. nard is also mentioned in Mark, which has antibacterial and antinflammatory properties—exactly what you'd want for your feet after a long journey through harsh terrain while wearing sandals
calling it "perfume" obscures the fact that it wasn't just the money from its sale that could have helped the poor: the ointment itself could have been used to salve the wounds of poor people who had been living rough, which makes Jesus's response even more puzzling.
i know that's not entirely relevant to the post—but i can never pass up an opportunity to remind people that the ancient Israelites had a much more sophisticated pharmacopoeia than we credit them with.
I really resonated with the feelings of guilt and resentment mentioned in the appeals of giving. For so much of my life I really tried to live in solidarity with those on the margins, but it seemed like “performance culture” always demanded so much more. I hope the reader goes to Asia, and has an amazing time.