Is it time to break up with my friend?
You Do Not Have To Be Good: A spiritual advice column #5
Dear Rebekah,
I recently had a fight with a longtime friend. I said something unflattering to her. It’s something I felt a responsibility to share, because it seemed like she was in a state of denial, but I was irritated and it came out in a tactless and hurtful way.
I apologized, but she was still angry about it and gave me a list of demands for what she thought our friendship should look like, mostly centered around how I ought to make her feel. I was honest and told her that although I care about her and wanted to be friends, I didn’t think I could be the person she wanted me to be. She hasn’t spoken to me since.
Since then, I’ve been struggling with two conflicting feelings. On the one hand, I feel like I ought to find a way to repair the relationship, because we’ve been through so much together. I reached out casually once and she didn’t respond, so I haven’t pushed it.
On the other hand, I have to be honest and say that I don’t think I miss the friendship that much. I’ve been going through a lot of changes lately, and I find myself not really interested in the kinds of people and groups I used to be. Part of this is leaving the cult of social justice. But the thing about this friend is, even though she’s still part of that world, that’s never been an issue between us. Regardless, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve just outgrown our friendship.
I know I’m not perfect, and I truly regret what I said. I sense that she wants me to go out of my way to make things up to her, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do that. Am I in the wrong here? Or do I need to let this friendship go?
Dear Friend,
Ooh, I can feel your dilemma here so intensely. The first thing that sticks out to me, intuitively, is that inciting incident. You don’t mention what it was that irritated you or what you said, but it sounds like it was something that was out of character for you, at least in the context of this friendship.
In my experience, these kinds of “Holy shit, I can’t believe I just said/did that” moments are our unconsciously disowned selves (aka “the shadow”) peeking its head out from below ground. Something in the other person reflects an aspect of ourselves that we don’t feel so great about, and we get triggered and maybe even, as in your case, act out.
What was it about her that irritated you? Was she being whiny? Judgmental? Self-defeating? Narcissistic? Whatever it was, spend some time with it and ask yourself where in your own life you’ve exhibited that behavior. I can assure you that you have, because everyone we meet is a mirror, and there’s no piece of human nature that we don’t carry somewhere inside ourselves.
The important thing is to do this without a sense of judgement or condemnation for yourself, but rather honest curiosity and awareness. If you can even find some love and acceptance of your own inner whiny judgmental self-pitying narcissist, all the better. It will go a long way toward defusing the emotional charge and allowing you to see the situation more clearly. It will also make you much more forgiving of these qualities in your friend (as I suspect you are holding a bit of anger toward her still) as well as other people.
Once you’ve done that, take another look at the friendship. What was it that initially drew you together? Maybe you both shared a love of literature, or you bonded over shared life experiences. Do those things that brought and kept you together all those years still exist? Do they feel healthy? Is there an element of trauma bonding?
That last one is a huge driver of intense friendships, particularly in social justice/activist circles. We are drawn to people who understand and can validate our pain. But when one person decides they want to heal from the pain and grow, they find themselves out of sync with the people and social settings that once felt comfortable. It’s not unlike an alcoholic who, upon getting sober, finds they no longer have anything in common with their old drinking buddies.
It may be that there are elements of your friendship that are no longer serving you, and others you’d like to hang on to, and that leads us to another potential cause for your tactless behavior—it can be really difficult to learn to renegotiate boundaries in a relationship with a long history. If there are behaviors you’re trying to change within yourself, like negative or judgmental attitudes, toxic positivity, or blaming others for your problems, and these have been features of your friendship, it can be hard to know how to shift that dynamic while holding on to the love and support you’ve given one another. Sometimes we pick fights as a way to create the separation we need but have been afraid to ask for.
Another possibility is that you no longer feel safe sharing all of your beliefs or opinions with her. You say the fact that you’ve left the social justice scene isn’t an issue, but have you been honest with her about the ways you’re changing and growing? Do you feel like you can have space to disagree and remain friends?
The important thing here is to do some introspection and clarify your own motivations. If you still feel that you have something to apologize for, than by all means try again. But be wary of anyone who demands you “make it up” to them. True friendships can hold imperfections and forgive without keeping a constant tally of rights and wrongs.
If you feel confident that you’ve taken ownership of your side of things, then let it rest. It sounds like you’ve left the ball in her court to respond. If you still feel a sense of freedom having some distance from that friend, listen to that. It may be that you two just need some time apart, and will find your way back to one another, or that your time together is done. That’s okay.
It sounds like you’re going through a period of good, but difficult changes. Good for you! And kudos for the way you were honest with her about not being willing to be the person she was asking you to be. Learning to be authentic and hold boundaries around that is one of the best things we can do for ourselves.
Sale on Psychic Aura Readings
In addition to writing here, I offer Aura Readings. These are both a full psychic reading—I often get messages from ancestors, spirit guides, past life information, and occasionally loved ones who have passed on—and an energy healing.
My clients usually tell me they feel a profound sense of relief, clarity, or an ability to make a big life change as a result of these readings.
After only doing them for established clients these past few years, I’m opening them up them to the general public again.
To celebrate, I’m offering $50 off Aura Readings until the end of tomorrow, Aug 21. You can purchase a reading for yourself, or as a gift for someone else.
Here’s what one of my recent clients said about her reading (more info if you click the button at the end):
